Last weeks topic was somewhat heavy and this one is a bit delayed (Sorry about that). So here we go…
My baby girl just turned 14 and I’m a bit stressed about it. Ok…
- Yes she is an A student
- Yes she is very intelligent and articulate
- Yes she is somewhat naive
- Yes she’s growing up in burbs
- Yes, she has been a bit protected and sheltered
Yeah, she missed out on the opportunities to have fist fights, get burglarized, serve as a whiteness to shootings, have helicopters fly over her house looking for her friends, etc… So my plan actually worked which was to do everything possible to have my kids not to have to grow up in the environment that I did. So for some, her life is normal, to me it’s night and day to what I was used to when I was growing up.
Baby girl has it so good and I like it like that…
I did my best to frame this question so that you would know with what I am faced… So here is the question… At what age should I allow my daughter to date? And when we go on her first date together am I going to be able to restrain myself from thoughts of what I was thinking when I was this young guys age? Trust me I had no pure thoughts… or if they were pure, they were purely sexual in nature.
I have friends that have daughters that are already dating (OMG!) and others that have daughters much older than mine that aren’t allowed to date and they are dang near in college. Here is what I was thinking:
- Only after this little conniving punk gathers up the testicular fortitude to reach out to me and share his interest and intentions concerning my daughter I would:
- Establish a formal interview with him and his family – Gotta see his peeps in order to gather an understanding of his families values
- Run a full back ground check to include finger prints, blood work, etc… – No explanation needed for this one
- Request grades beginning in elementary – I’m looking for trends damit
- Get formal recommendations from at least 2 teachers and 2 neighbors – a cross sections validation of character is important in any assessment
- Call in my brothers (both of them) and we act out (not really acting though) the Bad Boys scene (I’m serious) in its entirety, guns (big guns) and all.
- Once the above checks out I was thinking that “we” could go on her first date to a rated “G” movie. – Not sure about this one because theaters are still pretty dark even though I would be sitting between the two of them. I cant have them playing footsies of even worse sharing space.
For the record so far she hasn’t shown a “real” interest in dating, but I aint no fool by a long shot. I know that she is exposed to much more than she is willing to share with me. I know that all girls keep secrets. And while it would be good to get feedback from some of the guys, I am really looking forward to the ladies being very frank and clear. I mean go ahead and open up and share what was really going through your head between 14 and 17.
So back to the questions:
- At what age should I allow my daughter to date?
- And when we go on her first date together am I going to be able to restrain myself from thoughts of what I was thinking when I was this young guys age?
This should make for a very interesting topic this week. LOL J
A very interesting topic indeed. I have multiple sisters, all of which are younger than me, and considering that I know you personally sir, I completely understand your concern, and I applaud you for giving your daughter the environment she’s in now.
Now to answer the question: Age 15.
Are you going to be able to restrain yourself? No. However, consider that your relationship with your daughter sets the mark as to how she expects guys to conduct themselves.
15!!!!! Dammit that;s next year!!!! Aaarrgggg!!!
Calming down a bit…. ok, first of all thank you so very much for your quick reply. Ced, I dont know if I will be able to restrain myself… Seriously. Now you know how you were thinking at 15, hell you know what you were thinking with at 15. Neither of them had good intentions. I cant help but to think that the entire time this punk is sitting there smiling and calling me “sir”, he’s trying his damdest to get in my Baby Girls pants. The thought alone warrants a gun wound to the knee cap at minimum. I just dont know Bruh…
Well ,, with her being my baby cousin, I say allow her to have a male friend at 15 but allow her to date at 16. As for question number 2 shouldn’t it be when SHE goes on her first date? Or as the question is phrased i guess you will be in the back seat with the shotgun. Im sure that she was raise well and I know that she comes rom good genes. I am pretty sure she would not do anything to disappoint you.
OK Cuzzo… Now I’m gonna ask you to get real with me… What is going on in a 15 or 16 year old girls head? And I really meant “We” and not “She”. There aint no way I’m letting some little dirt bag drive my baby girl around the city. I just cant see it.
You know I appreciate your comments and feedback. JM
On the real cuzzo. By the time I was 15/16 my life was so jacked up I didnt know right from wrong, nor did i have any moral conciousness. I am sure that is TOTALLY different in your case.
Every girl dreams of a man that is very comparable ton her “father”. Myself i didn’t have that positive influence of a father. All i had to contend with was moms boyfriends that were molesting me the entire time.
You on the other had, you have great start, you have already implanted the virtues and values into her life. And im sure she already knows no matter what YOU are gonna love her UNCONDITIONALLY. So in that aspect you have the upper hand, And if i know my cousin, any boy that dreams of taking out your “baby girl” I am sure he will be well respected, but I have no doubt in my mind that there will be a FULL background check done by the Police, Sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA. Know you he might have to have to have a letrter of recomendation by President Obama!!!
I think that there shouldn’t be an age on dating, well not before 16 at least, but more on that of your kids maturity level. I think you should talk to your GIRLS and see where there minds are about BOYS!!.. True they may lie and say they arent interested in them but they are still listening to you and thats when you as a parent teach them on making the right decisions. If you don’t let them date, they will SNEAK (me)!!!.. I wasn’t allowed to date, but I did!!. I just did it at school! Lol.. Maybe if someone guided me I wouldn’t have been pregnant at my senior prom!!:-)~..
Point taken Phalan… I do agree that I need to have a specific age as well as consider maturity. I too am leaning towards 16, but we will see.
Well let me start out by saying my son went in his first date this year at sixteen. I don’t think that children should be thinking about dating at 14 and 15. However I am a realist and I know what I was thinking at 14, I had my first crush and I was trying to figure who I was with or without a boy. My friends were not dating but it was a hot topic over lunch and at EVERY sleepover. But the relationship and fear that I had of my mother had more power over me than a boy did. My mom always told me no dating until I was 16. We could boys come to the house (and do homework) but she would be right there watching gun smoke! She was very strict , which by the age of 15 made me sneak around. It wasn’t to be fast or anything it was just to be free. So when my friends had sleep overs we would call the boys next door and talk and sit outside. Remember my respect for my mom and myself was stronger than a little boys lies. And my dad always said if he can’t treat you like I do then he is not worthy of your heart.
So just keep a good relationship with her and talk to her all of the time. Even when she’s not with you, you will be with her. If you raise a child right their morales and values will prevail everytime.
So I’d say it depends on her maturity level. And please do not go on her first date with her. Let it be a group date with friends her it could be a family date, invite him to dinner or a movie with the Moores.
Susie, you are absolutely right. Communication, communication, communication!!! This is the key. I have been very good and communicating with Baby Girl on a regular basis and around all kinds of topics. Some topics I know that she is not really comfortable, but I let her know that nothing s off the table. I want her to know that she can talk to me about anything.
So far so good in terms of the respect. She wants to be cute, but is still very conservative with the way she dresses. Thank God!!!! I promise to keep communicating…
I had the same background as your daughter. She will be great! I say start dating at 16. Also tell her about the different types of guys out there. That every boy is not like her wonderful daddy. Tell her the thoughts and games some guys play. That way when you are not there she can still protect herself. I say the first couple of dates should be group dates. That way its not so uncomfortable and embarrassing for her and you can see the type of friends she has. Seeing if her friends do more to their dates. See what kind of peer pressure my be happening. Like you said movies are dark try bowling first. LOL. Then progress to movie date with you behind them for one date. LoL…others you can hide in back rows incognito. 🙂 Sorry no you wont be able to restrain your thoughts. I do have one question…… did you have the same anxiety when your son started dating? Or its cause she a girl?
Ray, you hit the nail on the head. I’m gonna teach her every “man trick” in the books and I wont leave anything out. She will see them coming when they try all those manipulation tricks. Yeah, she will be updated on all the man secrets and I dont care of they get mad at me like they did Steve Harvey for spilling the beans!!! LMBO…
I also love the bowling date thing. This works great and I’m sure that we all will have a great time on her first date. LOL…
Lol #1 “we” should not go together on this already scary date lol. In my opinion she knows right from wrong AT the age she is right now. BUT I believe 16 is fine for a girl to get dropped off to a PG13 movie with her date and get picked up as soon as its done. I believe she knows what her family will expect from her and its no problem with even throwing out things you would expect from her going out with her date. Lol No trying to sneak in the movie sit way in the back and watch them the whole time either. It’s about starting out with trust 🙂 until she does something otherwise that’s not in her character and u gotta step in and regulate. Like if you hear of a kiss or holding hands then you can call my daddy and uncle ( your brothers ) @ this time of my life being 14 I was really involved in church a lot and did have a boyfriend that went to my church we did absolutely nothing and was just happy cuz we were with eachother. Now did we talk about first kisses and stuff absolutely but that’s as far as it went. 🙂 Now one thing I won’t knock is she should get her lil birds and bees talk if she already ain’t get one!!!!! Cuz like you said lil boys already be on that level and we don’t want no corruption of her mind body and soul
Well said Asante… Well said. What she needs is family like you also whispering into her ears and being there for her to bounce stuff off of as well. It takes a whole village to raise a child.
GREAT TOPIC JOHNNIE!!! I WOULD SAY WHEN YOU FEEL SHE’S MATURE ENOUGH TO ADVANCE TO THAT LEVEL…16, WITH HER BACKGROUND, SHE SHOULD BE FINE…HONESTLY AT 14-15, I WANTED A BOYFRIEND, NO INTIMATE THOUGHTS REALLY, KISSING…16 ON THE OTHER HAND, LOL…KEEPING IT REAL, ANOTHER LEVEL OF INTIMATE THOUGHTS, BUT DIFFERENT BACKGROUND AND INFLUENCES…I’M APPROACHING THIS STAGE IN LIFE MYSELF AND I MUST SAY I’VE BEEN READING SOME GREAT ADVICE THAT I’D CONSIDER…GROUP DATING…YOU DROP OFF AND PICK-UP…FAMILY MEETING ETC…OK THAT’S ALL FOLKS….
Thanks T… I really agree with the group dating thing. My Wife and I along with her date and her… What do you think?
I was allowed to date at 18, Smh. I’d say 16 is more realistic. Once they r driving they can do whatever anyway. lease don’t go overboard. Empower baby girl to make her own decisions. You’ve raised her with morals and integrity she will always have that. I had a healthy fear of my Dad which prevented me from doing a lot, I’m sure she will be the same.
Yo, I pray that you are right. I would say this though… “Respect is always more powerful than fear”. I just want to stay close and to make sure that she does the right thing. I also want to be sure that I completely understand the challenges that she faces from a teenagers perspective.
And yes, lots of prayer…
#1. i personally think that you would know naturally. when i heard about Asante’s boyfriend during her highschool years i was kool with it. i spoke to her about something so simple and she got where i was going right off the back. i’m press for time, but basically the lesson was about values… i believe he was going off to college – i think she was in the 10th grade. the mind state (values) of a person going off to college and prepping for that phase of life was nothing near the mentality (or mental values) of a 10th grader with big ambition. but i left the decision making up to her. i knew due to her character and level of maturity she was able to handle it and make her own decision. now years later that same beautiful Queen is making her Baba a grandBaba sometime next year may =) i digs the upgrade (GRANDBABA)!!! and think that i’m more excited than her.
Well, I don’t know… I’m not proud of it, but there were some very nice and well raised girls that did allot of things when I was a teenager. Some of them did things with me to be honest. The truth is though that I was only able to do what they allowed me to do. I want to make sure that she doesn’t allow them to get up to bat, much less to first base.
Johnnie your a great father with a great kid. There is no age for your daughter that you will ever 100% trust a boy/man. However your at that stage where you are going to have to allow that supervised date time. I have to agree with my wife you know a lot can happen at school or anywhere for that matter. Sixteen is a great traditional age for dating but the truth is if you don’t stay on top of this you could be two years behind her. Communication is the key to any relationship. Continue to raise her the best way u can and never let your guard down, while she is under your roof.
100% trust some dude… No Way, Never, When Hell Freezes over, need I say more??
Supervised date anytime soon… It Aint Happening!
I think that Wifie and I will discuss a supervised date after 16th Bday, but we will see.
I am overwhelm that you are so nerves concerning NeeCee Poo as I call her, she’s the typical young girl who are looking at the boys- not sure if she is ready yet to engage in a boy/girl relationship for one thing she knows her dad and that alone is a nightmare. Always remember you and Leethra have instill great morals and values in your children they might derail at times but they will find their way back on track. I believe NeeCee will come to her mother when she is ready and at that time you’ll can have that conversation-just trust God in the process no need to stress. Parenting is a life long journey and when things look grey we use those times as teaching moments.
“NeeCee Poo”…. Aaaawwwww….
As you know I really love Baby Girl and I am completely open to talk to her about anything… even things that may be uncomfortable for me. The real key is making sure that she is comfortable speaking to me about anything. This is why I make it a point to talk about uncomfortable topics so that she begins to gain trust and also gets used to talking about tough topics. I really believe that this is the key. So I absolutely agree with your comments around communication. Thank you so very much for the feedback. Please be sure to register on the blog so that you can get the weekly topic.
Let me start with the definition of the word to “Disappoint”:
1. to fail to meet the expectations, hopes, desires, or standards of; let down
2. to prevent the fulfillment of (a plan, intention, etc.); frustrate; thwart
Now with that said Big Dawg I must say I know you and your wife have raised your daughter to be both respectful, and well mannered (both of your children). You can only trust that the both of you have instilled the morals and beliefs that you both represent into your daughter. Second communication lines need to remain open, more now than ever! I believe you should allow your kids some rope if you must say, but never too much rope in which they hang themselves! I know growing up my parents allowed me more rope then I deserved and when I got in trouble the worst thing they could tell me was “You disappointed me”. These days as a newly Dad when the kids have done things wrong and ask me if I’m mad at them I say “No, but you disappointed me”. I too have a 14 year old in her first year of high school and thinking about buying a bigger gun..lol…j/k… So answer to the question what age… there isn’t an age some children who are 14 act like they are 10 and others act like they are 21 so mental competence is important and street smarts. not necessarily the street smarts we speak about but the kind you know that your being lied or scammed or fooled into something that is wrong. You can only hope they can make the clear choice and not fall to the pressure and that the morals and beliefs you have instilled kick in. Now here comes some bad news…. Your daughter will one day disappoint, maybe not today or tomorrow but one day she will. You can only be there as a father through good times and bad. She will always be your baby girl even when she is 30 years old.
You know, the points around “you disappointed me” rang loudly. When the time comes I will be disappointed no matter what, because I want her to always remain pure and innocent forever. Of course this is not reality. So when we do get to the point when we have to discuss dating seriously, I have to be careful not to make her feel the need to hide anything. I also need to make sure that she knows that I’m there for her no matter what. I do think though that it is important to share my desires and displeasures with reference to her choices, and to ensure that I am very thorough and considerate with my delivery of my perspective. Disappointment can crush a child who really loves her parents and wants to please them. It can sometimes push them away and even push them to the very thing that you would have them to move away from.
Honestly, I cant even fathom a conversation around dating until Baby Girl is at least 16. Even at that age as you mentioned maturity still rules. I know that there will be pressure to date and to talk to boys. Heck, when I was a teenager, i was relentless with my pursuits. And here is the kicker, rarely for me was it ever a full frontal attack because I hated rejection and never wanted to taste the embarrassment of having to make that long walk across the dance floor with my friends watching with my head down. LOL…
I am committed not to run from the topic and to take a steady and balanced approach to it.
Thank you very much for the comments…
i Think a good age to date is 15 and older and you need to do what Joe wants to do is the seen from Bad Boys when Will Smith answers the door and martin comes over and start acting crazy with there gun. That way you know he won’t dare to do anything because he thinks you are crazy and he might die. I know I dated very early and even wanted to get married very young. I hope she dedicates her time in studying and trying to make a career instead of chasing after a guy that only thinks about one thing. That is why I am so happy my daughter says she is focused on her school and trying to finish her career before she get’s serious she says she does not have time for that. Good luck because I know this is hard I have 2 girls and I don’t think that Megan will be like Ashley
Truthfully, this is where my daughter is as well. My real fear is that she is naive I just want to make sure that she stays focused without appearing to be weird to her friends. It is a delicate dance.
WOW Johnnie, you never cease to amaze me! Let me just say that I’m sure you have raised her up to be a fine young woman. You must now have the confidence and let her know you have the confidence that you and your wife have instilled in her. This alone will let her know she is in charge of her actions and she will decide to make the right decisions because she has respect for herself.
14 year old girls are typically looking for that “warm fuzzy” feeling and not so much thinking about what the teenage boy is thinking.
Blessings to you Johnnie!
Tina, why the amazement??? LOL…
Confidence in her is all good, but it just cant be absolute confidence because she is just too young to see the bad guys coming. Even worse would be that she prefers the bad guy. Wait a minute. I was a bad guy… LOL.
Thanks for the insight Tina. Make sure that you actually register so that you get alerts for the next weeks topic.
Reblogged this on Johnnie Moore Jr and commented:
This one deserves another post now that Baby Girl is 15 years old now….
Well, Trin has been wanting a boyfriend since 11-12. She is now approaching 14 and I told her in her sophomore year of high school she can have one but I must meet his parents and they can ONLY go on supervised dates. Which means I shall be present. Unlike my niece Trin does not have the advantage of having an amazing father in her life all her life so I have to be careful that she does not look for these things in a guy. Luckily most guys she has liked are extreme nerds. That I like because hey i have a gifted child with a high IQ that I wish not to be a statistic. She has also grown up very much sheltered. Like you cousin that is how I like it and I am not mad about her sheltered life but she is also naive to many things.
The beauty of it all is we have a very open relationship and she talks to me about her crushes and her life so even though I hate her boy craziness I appreciate that she feels comfortable to talk to me about it and ask me questions about boys. I always tell her any boy that makes you compromise your beliefs or morals is not the one for you to date. Make sure this person has a good relationship with his parents. authority, and God. Then that means he has some form of structure in his life and that is hard to find in their generation. Many times the kids are more responsible than their parents. I shared a few experiences I had dating in high school and I also explained my reasoning for wanting her to wait while all her friends are dating and have been dating since 12 many of them.
I think you have to see where she is at by having many open conversations and make sure she is intellectually and emotionally prepared as well as you. I know first hand the first guy to break my baby’s heart I am going to want to break! lol That is just reality.
Let her date when she is able to take the responsibility of a bill(or 2 or 3), consistently. That way she’d be distracted.
The thoughts? Nothing you can do about that!